THE MUSEUM OF DECENT ART

In the news is yet another uproar about offensive art and a call for a panel of experts to address the problem. 

Nothing will come of it because the logistics of evaluating all the exhibitions in all the museums and public spaces are impossible.  So much garbage, so few shovels.  As a public service, I have come up with a better idea.  Instead of eliminating all the smut and crud that is passed off as art these days, we should counter it with the creation of a Museum of Decent Art.

MoDA for short. 

Standards for selection will be easier if we decide what kinds of work will be eliminated from consideration.  Many of these are obvious right from the start.  No artwork that depicted any nudity of any kind would be considered.  And no violent content, no strong language, and definitely no suggestion of improper conduct, sexual or otherwise.  So far so good.

It is also clear that we could not consider any work with any religious content.  You are bound to offend someone with that.  And along the same lines, we could not afford to display art that showed people in any context or setting.  Indecency is never just postures and costumes; it resides in intentions, desires, yearnings.  Who can tell what the figures in any painting or photograph have in mind?  How are we to know, for example, that the uncle in the candy store in that Norman Rockwell is not gazing at the girly Girl Scout with some odious longing?  We can’t know it for sure and the fact that the work even raises the issue is problematic.  People are out.

Same goes for abstract art.

Who knows what some smart kid might make of those long thin shapes or gentle ovals.  Not mention the color red.   Abstraction is out too.  Which leaves us with still life and landscape.  Flowers, pots, ships at sea.  But this too is problematic.  What about the sexed-up blooms of Georgia O’Keefe or the leery vegetables of Edward Weston?  Not worth the risk.  To be safe, there cannot be any work in MoDA that depicts anything at all.  There is even precedent for this.. Plato himself thought that any art form that imitated nature appealed to the baser instincts.  He barred them from the Republic.  We ban them from MoDA.

 

Where does that leave us?

The upshot is astounding in its simplicity.  In fact, it is the only way to guarantee a decent experience to our patrons.  The walls of the Museum of Decent Art will be empty.  You pay at the door, wander through at your leisure, sit and contemplate, chat in a low voice, think decent thoughts, and be assured that no image of any kind will intrude on your peace and quiet.  At MoDA you will have a safe haven, a sanctuary from the lewd crude modern world.   Our motto?   No Art for No Sake at All. 

T-shirt time!

Of course, I realize that this plan does not leave much for me as a designer to do.  Except perhaps to do nothing, collect a fee, and move on. 

Okay…when do I begin?